Engaging without pushing people too hard or too little

Ever made the mistake of over-engaging and pushing someone away? Or under-engaging, and not capturing an opportunity?

I've made these mistakes a million times, but I do find I make them less and less. Here's how I approach getting the right amount of engagement with people:

1. I take the approach that I don't mind if they take it or leave it

When engaging anyone for anything, I don't try to hype it up or church it up. Nor do I try to minimise or self-deprecate.

We all know that we can smell desperation, hype, pity-baiting, and the like. So I don't spray any of these on me like cheap deodorants. I bring it as it is.

This also means that while using an in-joke is effective, don't overdo it. One in-joke is enough — else you're trying too hard.

2. But, I ensure I communicate my sincere emotions

I heard someone once talk about losing a sales pitch, and getting the feedback that the client felt the winning party was more enthusiastic about the project, despite not being technically as good. I never want to lose out because I haven't expressed my sincere, genuine, honest emotion about something.

So when I reach out to people, I will often say, "I'd really like to host you", or, "I'd think we'd all have a better time for you being there, and I think you'd enjoy it too".

3. I offer a graceful refusal

I always finish any invite with, "Of course, no worries if you can't", or "No pressure — our relationship is more important, but I did want to share this".

When you offer people a graceful way out, it is far more engaging than when their only option is to disappoint you or ignore you.

(This is known as the "but-you-are-free" technique in sales.)

4. Remember that any reply is still engagement

Even by engaging someone for something that they don't want to engage back in, you've still engaged them in communication. The act of inviting someone to something they don't even respond to is a way of engaging someone, and contributes towards long-term relationship growth.