The way to instantly engage anyone

How do you "instantly engage" someone?

Years ago I was a socially awkward, rather intense teenager. Fortunately I stumbled upon a chapter in a book that helped me.

Here's the main idea for engaging anyone you might meet:

1. Say your name, and ask for theirs

"Hi, I'm X… and you are?"

This might seem obvious, but pay attention to how often people don't share their name… or ask for the other person's.

2. Talk about their favourite subject… themselves

The way to build rapport is to talk to someone about their favourite subject… themselves.

If they're into Marvel films, as evidenced by their Marvel t-shirt, talk about that. Or if they've been introduced as a marathon runner, ask about how they train.

However, there is a better level:

3. Talk about your mutually favourite subject

Let's say you don't like Marvel so much, but you love Star Wars. And it turns out, the other person does too.

This is a better conversation than just talking about Marvel (which only they like), because you both like Star Wars. It's not just their favourite subject — it's your (plural) favourite subject.

But in order to talk about your mutually favourite subject, you have to find out what that might be. And this leads to a better level still:

4. Find your commonality

You meet someone wearing a Marvel t-shirt. But they don't like Star Wars and you don't like Marvel. But then you ask what other films they like.

And before you know it, you discover a shared interest in films. And now you're quoting scenes and debating the virtues of various Dune adaptations, and you're both in conversational flow.

The point is… finding the commonality IS the joy of the conversation itself, and the wonder of connecting.

Because it's not about getting them "to be engaged"… it's simply just about engaging. The journey is the destination. The process is the joy.

How do you instantly engage? You engage.