When people don’t want to engage

Do you ever not want to engage? Get that icky feeling of “Oh I don’t want to do this!”? Or feel the fear of crickets and rejection and discomfort and all that?

It’s worth remembering the feeling of when you don’t want to engage. Bottle it up. Because that’s how many of the people you want to engage may well feel.

Here’s how to engage — and be engaged — when emotions are low:

1. If persuasion doesn’t work, STOP

If persuasion isn’t working, doubling down won’t magically work. In fact, it pushes people away.

The more we try to persuade when someone doesn’t want to be persuaded, the more we trigger their resistance. In psychology this is known as reactance — a mechanism that seeks to preserve one’s sense of autonomy in the face of potential manipulation.

So, just stop.

2. Instead of persuading, try celebrating

Pause, and communicate to the person (which may be yourself) how far they’ve already come, how well they’ve done.

Often when I need to engage myself, I don’t start with persuading. I start with celebrating.

3. Do LESS than the least

The classic example: if you don’t want to go to the gym, at least get your gym clothes on.

For those who have kids, you know very well about using this technique. It’s how we get our children from refusing to eat, to being willing to at least have a bowl of porridge put before them.

What I love about these three is that they embody the spirit of engagement — being human. Turning off persuasion mode, pausing to celebrate, and then doing at least something.